Below are humorous musings I found while prowling the web.
Paw me to view
10 Signs Your Cat has Learned Your Internet Password
E-Mail flames from some
guy named "Fluffy."
Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com
Your mouse has teeth marks it...and a strange aroma of tuna.
Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."
Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
You keep finding new software around your house like Catin Tax and WarCatII.
On IRC you're known as the "IronMouser".
Little Kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post
Cat Bathing as A Martial Art
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life!!!
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better!!!
Tips for Cats Who Help Their Humans Cook
Don’t let your human’s attention be completely taken over by cooking. You can remain the center of attention despite their kitchen activities.
Tomato cores are actually new and wonderful cat toys. Tomato pulp tastes good, and it makes lovely designs on the kitchen floor.
The kitchen sink is a perfect observation point for supervising meal preparations, and you can entertain your human by batting at the vegetable peels as they get tossed your way.
When humans chop onions, sit where they can see you and make faces to show how mean they are to do that to you…you are guaranteed to get sympathy and a Pounce or other treats in an onion free zone.
Never paw a garlic press that has just been used – you will get stinky feet if you do.
Anything that gets dropped on the floor should be picked up and put in your water bowl. This ensures that your person will have to stop what she/he is doing to give you fresh water and be reminded of priorities…you.
Humans freak out if you try to get next to the warm pot simmering on the stove. It’s fun to head that way on the counter and watch them panic.
Be careful not to even look like you might touch a knife as this will probably get you sent to Kitty Jail.
Measuring spoons are easy to carry and are great for starting a game of hide and seek with your human. Especially good if you start the game about halfway through the dish your human is making.
Be sure to be on hand to add cat paw garnishes. A meal without cat hair is like a house without dustbunnies…it may look good, but that homey touch is missing.
If you believe this one, I have some land for sale in Florida!
How to Give a Cat a Pill
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with heavy garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak fillet. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop and way home to order new dining table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
|
|
How to "Cat-Proof" Your Christmas Tree
Buy a cardboard box big enough to hold the tree. Paint it red and yellow. Paste pictures of cats playing with toys on the box. Write phrases on the box like: "Giant very expensive cat toy." "Your cat will LOVE it!" "No cat can resist!" "Hours and hours of fun!" "Only $99,999,999.99!"
Bring the tree home inside the box, and round up your cats. Say, "look what mommy got you! A giant, really really expensive cat toy! You will go NUTS! I can't wait to see you play with this!"
Force the cats to watch you put up the tree and decorate it. If they drift off towards the cardboard box, bring them back to the tree and point at it while saying things like "you had better play with this thing, mommy spent a month's salary on it."
When the tree is decorated, wave some branches in their face and shout, "come on and play! Lookee here, the branches move, see? Kitty is supposed to swat at the branches and have lots and lots of fun! Hey, come back here! You come back here right now and play with this tree. See how much fun it is? HEY. I'M TALKING TO YOU. Get out of that box right now, mister. The box is NOT a toy. THIS is the toy."
If you do this with enough sincerity, your cats will avoid the tree like it was a Rottweiler. Of course, you'll be stuck with a giant ugly cardboard box in your living room all through the holidays, but it can always double as a buffet table.
Copyright 1999-2000 Janalee Faucher. May not be copied and/or redistributed, published, or rewritten for publication directly or indirectly in any medium, including email and websites, without written permission.
